Personal Post- Losing a Loved One to Cancer; Unprepared.

Recently I lost one of my dearest friends and one of two people I call family; my Aunt Bobbie. I lost her to cancer. When it happened, I posted this on my personal site, but I feel the need to share it here. The reason? I feel cheated. The doctors had told her a miracle had occurred; there as no sign of cancer anywhere in her body, despite the fact that months prior, her body had been covered with so many tumors the doctors stopped counting. When she went back the last time because she was feeling ill, the doctors once more assured her she had no signs of cancer…

Not only did this give my precious Aunt hope, it gave her family, including myself of course, hope. I stupidly stopped bracing myself for her passing away so early. The last text messages sent between us only a few days prior her passing [she is in Florida] are us discussing the next time she’d be visiting and all she wanted to do.

To have the doctor walk back in and say he was wrong; he found the tumors again, and they were so large she probably wasn’t going to make it even a year, was devastating. She didn’t make it through the next 48 hours. It all happened so fast.
To have your hopes lifted like that, only to have them shattered because they made a ‘mistake’ for whatever reason is absolutely soul shattering. I know they are only human but this hospital was the best cancer hospital in Florida, it is supposed to have the ‘best’ cancer treatment and doctors available… How could they lift our spirits and give false hope?

Perhaps this sounds stupid and trivial; childish, even. Perhaps it is. All I know is I truly believe before giving cancer victims and their family hope doctors should take extra care to make sure they are right. That seems to be so basic; so full of common sense. But apparently, it’s not. Yes, my heart aches and maybe I shouldn’t be upset that this false hope was given…This false hope which would quickly shatter and cave in onto of me without warning. But I am upset over it. Today she’s on my mind and heart, so, whether or not I’m ‘justified’ in my grief, I still am going to repost what I wrote.

In her memory.     For the family, friends and loved ones of cancer patients who have gone through the same thing.    To never forget.
(Starts below video)

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

My Aunt Bobbie’s Battle with Terminal Cancer

When I found out my Aunt Bobbie had terminal cancer I didn’t want to believe it. I deal with things by denying or suppressing for as long as allowed…which normally is not very long.When I accepted it I felt no worry, for some reason. I felt and believed she would somehow defy the odds.
She was in chemotherapy of course, but her body was overridden with tumors. The doctor gave her a limited time and that was that. Still, I didn’t believe it.Then a few months back the doctors were all astonished…They could find no trace of any tumors, she was said to be cancer free and no one understood how or why. We were all thrilled regardless, and the good news she received made her more happy, more caring and more loving; something I didn’t think to be possible.She ended up back in the hospital because of pain she was having a few weeks back. At first the doctors said there was no cancer. An hour later, after getting her hopes up and her daughters spirits raised, he returned saying she had a giant tumor they hadn’t seen. The only way I can see that even beginning to make sense is if the tumor was as big as the organ it was on. I don’t know more on that except afterwards we were left to believe that was the only one and it’d be a risky surgery but she was willing and ready to do it. Suddenly, they found her body absolutely covered in countless tumors again. Literally, countless. The doctor said he had stopped counting.She passed away last week when she seemed to be recovering well. I have been struggling to accept this. I stare at the text message I last received from her, I just can’t imagine how she could not be here anymore…

I am going to write a little bit about my Aunt Bobbie and the kind of person she was for memories sake, with respect but also because this world needs more people like her. These words aren’t good enough to give her proper justice, perhaps one day I’ll return and re-write it when my heads on straight. Until then, this is the kind of woman my Aunt Bobbie was….

I don’t have much family but those whom I do consider family I love with all of my heart. My Aunt Bobbie is one of those people. She never judged, always accepted, and was the only one to ever reach out to me in a kind way when things were bad at home or when I was going through a hard time.

I was by far the only person she treated this way. She never let anyone feel they were out of place or like they didn’t belong. She was a strong, determined woman, teaching me many things, my favorite being, women are not second to men. It was her souls warmth that made her feel like she was an old, familiar friend to people she’d never met.

She would stand for what was just and what was right and sweet as she was, she always had quick wits when someone attacked her. She had her share of hardships in life, but still, somehow she remained smiling. No one could ever bring her down, she believed in women’s rights and equality, she knew her facts and she was passionate. She also planned on helping me save my mom from abuse by them getting a home together. She was selfless, loving and accepting but also strong enough to tell you when she disagreed or saw a flaw in ones plan. She made it her job to make sure everyone was happy or at least knew she was there if they needed her. I wish I would have taken her up on that more, now. I could have called for any reason but talking on the phone always has been hard for me. I regret not sucking it up and making more calls now. Text messages are great because we can save them… I just wish I could have heard her voice once more.

Just a few moments ago, I logged into my email and saw someone new had signed her guestbook so I went to look at her page again. Maybe it’s because it’s 5 in the morning and everyone else is sleeping, or maybe it’s reality creeping up on me, either way when I saw her photo my heart stopped for a moment; it took my breath away. Quickly I closed out hoping to forget the truth of the situation. But now that I’ve had that moment, I don’t believe there is any more hiding.

I feel startled and numb, she’s gone? Those words catch my breath in my chest. She lived a life of giving, of loving, of sharing, of teaching like no other I know. And somehow she managed to smile, even when she was in pain or sad. I want to be like her; I think this world needs more strong souls like her. I miss her more than I can allow myself to say.

To all those that battle cancer, please never give up, no matter what stage you are in… And I hope those whom watch over and take care of cancer patients do so with love and with knowing.

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