My Hardest Choice: I Had an Abortion & Am Not Ashamed

(My story… May trigger- if you need to talk with someone about abortion…I’m not “trained” but please see info at end of this post.)
I am fed up with these anti-abortion bills. It is an attack on women and our rights. I am aware I’ll be getting hate mail and probably lose a lot of readers to this, but I don’t want readers who can’t understand and judge without being me on my blog, anyhow.

This is a very personal post so comments are strictly monitored; this is my first time telling my story and I am not giving details, I owe no one an explanation, but I will give enough to make my point. This is a summary of why I had a late term abortion in Texas, and why it saved my life. And my life may not mean anything, but this abortion gave me a chance to live while preventing a child from being brought into a situation no child should be in. I shudder to think of any woman being in my position if these horrible anti-abortion bills pass. I am not proud, but I am also NOT! ashamed. I had my abortion because me and the child deserved a better future that could not happen without an abortion.

please note: i say child because i do not know clinical terms and because this is my story, and how i felt. this does NOT mean i believe abortion is murder. this is my first time sharing this with public, so please excuse words incorrectly used or typos.

Click *more* to read my story, summed up.

I suffer from Complex PTSD due to years of abuse & etc. When I found out I was pregnant by the only man I have ever had sex with, whom is now my husband, I was excited at first. But slowly hormones kicked in, and reality kicked in. I began to get extreme suicidal thoughts, I couldn’t eat, get out of bed, or stop crying.

There were reasons besides PTSD and mental issues for this. But I am not willing to share that just yet. All anyone should know is, nothing was good.

My now husband and I discussed abortion but I kept backing out. I did want the child, because I did love what was growing in me. And it is because of the love I had for what was trying to change our lives, I ended up having a late-term abortion. I know abortion is something these anti-abortion fanatics think is murder when it is even at 6 weeks, so I am well aware a late-term one will get me even more hatred. But once more, it will fall on deaf ears. The choice I made was the right choice and I am not ashamed.

At the time I was living in Texas and even then I had to travel over 150 miles for the procedure, at least the clinic was available. I was so struck with fear of it being too late to abort I remember seriously thinking and considering what I would do if the clinic turned me down. At this point I was waiting for them to call back and I wrote out my plan. I was still suicidal but not as much as I would soon become. So I said and meant it when I said if I was denied the right to abort, I would attempt a “back alley abortion.” If it killed me, I didn’t care. I knew having a child in this world, at this time would be wrong to the child. The child deserved better, and that was a life neither me nor my husband could have given this child at the time, or even today.

I also had my suicide planned as a back up. I had the date set. I was in so much turmoil, mental and emotional pain -not only from being pregnant, but because adoption for ME is not something I would ever do to any child. I’ve been there. That’s not a life I’d wish on anyone, let alone my own child. Some people are for it and I say more power to you. But it isn’t right for ME or any child I bring into this world.

Long story short, though I would have loved to been a mother, it was not only not the right time, it would have been detrimental to this baby had it been brought into this world. He was growing inside of me, I know what is right and wrong, and I made the hardest CHOICE of my life by setting the date. Don’t misunderstand, it was the hardest choice because it wasn’t a choice I made without thinking. The night before I was up all night writing out lists of reasons I should or should not go through. The reasons I should won.

And because I love him, and because I want a chance at a better life, because I want to CONTINUE to live so I can finally see HAPPY days, I had an abortion. I do NOT regret it. It saved my life. Had I not made this choice I would have gone through with the suicide plan, and I would not have been here to experience the past 4 months.

Bottom line: the choice for abortion is not only a basic RIGHT, it DOES save lives. Without the clinic I was able to access, I’d have taken my own life. Again, I may not be special, but the saving of a woman’s life, be it literal or be it because it is not the right time for her, these reasons ALONE are more than valid reasons to not only keep abortion clinics open, but also we need to work on ending the talk of, or having an abortion such a taboo subject. abortion does not make you a bad person! It doesn’t make one evil, nor does it make one a murder.

It means making the hardest choice of your life for yourself, and for the child.

Apologies for typos and misuse of words again. I wrote this in a hurry, but I hope somewhere in here someone finds strength. Sometimes it is the hardest choice that is the RIGHT choice. That is the case with me, anyway.

No one has the right to judge a woman for abortion for no one knows the reasons inside her or her circumstances. And its’ none of our business. I have given the bare basics of my story, not because of shame, but because it is not the business of other people. I shared all that I feel is needed to know. And if any women are struggling right now, feel free to go to my about me page (left panel, where my photo is) and email me. I will support you or listen the best I can.

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